just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
