your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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