Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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