Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
