Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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