Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
