A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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