I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
