Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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