I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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