I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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