Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
