i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
