the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
