i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Houston, we have a blender
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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