Just fell off a train. Bad.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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