he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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