Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
