I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
