I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
