I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
