Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
