Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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