nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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