I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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