My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
