i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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