when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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