i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
