Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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