My first STD was from a foam party
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
