i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize