bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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