I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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