having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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