if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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