I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
