I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
