NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i think i just lost a toe
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
