like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
