If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
