u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
Come share oat with me in your robe
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
