i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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