somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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