I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
