Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
