I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
