you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So much rum. So many feels.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
