I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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