i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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