I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
