It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
