Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
