Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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