Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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