In the future we'll all be gay
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize