she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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