I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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