Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How external is "for external use only"?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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