Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
