Swine flu. Run for my life!
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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