the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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