Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
