i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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