I hate your face
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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