From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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